Happy New Year! Whew!! What a year 2020 has been. Its behind us now but if you’re like me you’re probably still trying to catch your breath from the reeling effects of it.
A few days ago I drafted this nice 10 point blog post on what I had learnt and wanted to share but in all fairness to the few faithful followers I had to delete it. My initial goal for this page was to be as real and transparent as possible…even at the risk of leaving myself vulnerable to public scrutiny or personal attack. The end goal is to help someone else through my life experiences- raw and uncut. So today I am going against the “ever green” blogging rule and I will speak from my heart. Here goes…
…2020 brought with it alot of “blessings” for my family and I. We were able to cross off more from our list of personal goals than we have been able to do in past years. I am not saying this boastfully. We were finally accomplishing silent but steadily progressive wins…BUT as the year continued I was quickly reminded that with every new level came new devils.👀
From January 2020 (when I accepted my new job position) straight through to its end I felt like I was on one of those rollercoaster rides in a horror night themed park. It was like all of hades had read my blog posts and had determined that they would test every single word I had written to make sure I was really who I was claiming to be! My faith in God and myself were tested beyond measure. Lets just say, things got real pretty fast!!
Working from home brought with it many benefits and advantages but also produced a greater degree of responsibility and risk associated with the position.
Most days I was able to overcome the hurdles and challenges that were presented and pushed through by remaining calm and focused in my daily routines.
By the 2nd quarter I had managed to adjust to the changes of working from home amidst emergency lockdown protocols.
Then in early October I enrolled my son into a homeschool program set up at a friend’s house to alleviate some of the pressure of mothering while carrying on my desk work. However, that decision was made reluctantly (all things considered) as it came on the tail end of a multi million dollar mistake that could have resulted in major loss. It was only by the grace of God and divine intervention the funds were retrieved and I was spared my job…Following that I believe I may have gotten passed up for a higher position that I was being considered for prior to the mistake. Ouch! …And that’s when it all really started to take a toll on me emotionally and mentally.
One hurdle and rollercoaster dip after the other, I overcame each one holding my breath waiting to see what new adventure the next day would bring. Then when everything seemed to be going fine, I would find myself dodging another bullet or dagger. This pattern continued throughout the entire year.
Some days I would say to myself “All of “this” can not be real, it has to be staged!”
I felt like I was apart of some social experiment and at any moment the camara crew would come out from hiding.
Then there were the emergency orders from the local competent authorities. We would be “allowed” to move about for a few days or a weekend then the next week we would have to brace ourselves for the horrifying Sunday 5pm national address. I think those three words “My fellow Bahamians” has been added to my list of triggers. LOL! 🥴
As Covid numbers continued to rise locally so did the death toll…Then its effects started to hit closer to home. One of my own family members living in the U.S. had contracted Covid and had to be assisted by a breathing machine. Then young mothers of childhood friends, neighbours and family members started dieing one behind the other.
I watched them all grieve their losses, some unable to give their loved one the usual “fitting” send off that was indicative of a traditional homegoing service. I think I had become numb to it all up to the point where I had to watch the graveside service of my friend’s mother from my telephone screen as I drove to collect a curbside pick up! She hadn’t died from Covid19 but it was the fact that because of Covid19 protocols I could not physically attend the funeral of a woman I once considered a mother. I wasn’t sure how to respond. I felt helpless…
Some days the reality of it all became overwhelming and even with written words very hard to articulate. Some experiences, both personal and communicated to me by other family members, I am unable to disclose because of its sensitive nature. Just know that there are some things that are beyond human comprehension and only God would understand.
A few times I found myself sitting at my desk and would suddenly get the urge to just start praying. The words and the tears would begin to flow. I’d start praying against untimely death from over my household and extended family, breaking generational curses and speaking words of declarations over my bloodline and lineage. I had to bind the spirits of depression and anxiety. I started to speak words of faith to dispel and cancel out every negative word that may have been spoken into the atmosphere.
In those moments it was as if there was another force guiding the words of those prayers.
Closer to the end of the year, it seemed everything I was experiencing was intensifying. From one major system failure after the other, to oversights, opposition, dodging car accidents, to my husband’s Christmas week fender bender. Everything seemed to be going haywire! So much so that a senior officer called me privately one day and admitted that she felt as though what she was observing could not be natural but spiritual. There is no way that these back to back activities were normal!
We both agreed that the only remedy was consistent perpetual prayer. She recommended what scripture I should incorporate into my daily devotion moving forward. The irony of it all though, is that she admitted to not being a strong professing Christian but God saw fit to use her to recognize the powers that were at work and speak words of encouragement into my hearing.
I took her advice and came into 2021 with that same posture. Making prayer and praise my daily mantra. It is the only thing that has kept my mind at peace in the middle of the chaos.
If there is any valuable lesson I have taken away from 2020 it is this:
Without God, family and trustworthy people, life is meaningless. I don’t care how many goals I had made for the year ahead. It doesn’t matter how many of them I was able to achieve. It doesn’t matter how smart, creative or efficient I think I am. Without God’s intervention in my life everything would have fallen apart. Everything!! I saw God’s hand in every single scenario that was meant for my destruction. And what I thought was man’s rejection was actually God’s protection.
He blocked every fall, turning my disappointments into learning experiences and working it all out in my favor.
I have always known the importance of prayer but 2020 has reaffirmed how powerful consistent prayer truly is when applied. The act of prayer acknowledges our human limitations and God’s all sufficiency. I am the first to admit, I definitely needed discipline in this area of my spiritual life. I now recognize more than ever that prayer is not just about me and my selfish desires. As a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend the lives of everyone I hold dear might be dependent on my obedience to pray.
When we have exhausted all energies and options God’s strength is unwavering. He is unmatched in his ability to protect, to heal and to save. Where man’s intelligence falls short, His is unmeasured. In 2020 I watched the smartest and most brilliant minds run out of answers and come to the end of their rope.
We can construct the most strategic and thought out plans, but without God’s sustaining power and His intervention our plans will not flourish. I have been sitting back and observing social media posts of what is intended or expected for 2021. And while I completely support the power of positive words to manifest what you want to see I have learnt to approach my aspirations with a spirit of humility and silent grace.
Im thankful that God loves me enough to allow me to have gone through the process of 2020 without having lost in order to learn. God is faithful and His mercies in my life are everlasting. I thank Him that inspite of the tears of 2020 I walked into 2021 a little bruised but triumphant nonetheless.
I am inspired to become more prayerful and to walk in the quiet confidence of knowing who I am in God. No status, no amount of works and no title can validate my position in Him. He is God, I am His own and that is enough.
Love and Blessings.